A chat on bananas and the male genitilia.

[me] : weh
[Somechick] : yes dude?
[me] : whats black and sweaty?
[Somechick] : errr
[Somechick] : my laptop after taken out from the freezer?
[Somechick] : mana aku tauuu
[me] : dah?
[Somechick] : dah
[me] : semut itam tengah jogging.
[Somechick] : why semut itam?
[me] : um...
[me] : my laptop after taken out from freezer?
[Somechick] : hahahaha seriouss laaa weh
[Somechick] : apsal semut hitam?
[Somechick] : apsal tak 'you after u suck my balls under the charcoal pit' or something?
[me] : you've got a sick sick mind, you know that, somechick?
[Somechick] : hahahaha takes one to know one
[me] : thank you.
[me] : but to answer your question.
[me] : you must first answer me this question:
[Somechick] : okay
[Somechick] : what?
[me] : three women are each eating a banana. the first one eats it by breaking the banana into pieces and popping them in her mouth one by one. the second one bites the banana like people usually do and the third one holds the banana with both hands and slowly stuffs it in her mouth. the question- which one of these ladies are married?
[Somechick] : is this a trick question?
[Somechick] : hahaha u chose a lousy person to answer as well sbb i dont eat raw bananas
[Somechick] : but ok i will indulge in your sick twisted mind games haha
[me] : proceed.
[Somechick] : (husband of somechick): first one
[Somechick] : ntah. third one? or maybe first? can i choose both?
[me] : and you? what is your answer?
[me] : you chose the third one?
[Somechick] : yeah?
[me] : okay. the answer is this: its the one with the wedding ring.
[me] : you've got a sick mind, y'know that?
[Somechick] : hahahhahaa wadahelllllllllll
[me] : sicksicksicksicksick
[Somechick] : mana aku tau cara nak makan pisanggggggg
[Somechick] : hahahahahahhahahahha
[me] : WARKGHKAHKAHKAHKA AND YET YOU CHOSE THE THIRD ONE.
[Somechick] : hahahahahahhahaha wellllllllllll
[Somechick] : hahahahahahahahahaha
[Somechick] : orang tak makan pisang camtu ke?
[me] : manade!
[me] : hold it with both hands pejadah? lepas tu masuk mulot sekaligus.
[Somechick] : hahahah i thought it'd be like if i cakap first one then u say "oh so u feel that way about your husband's penis? nak cincang?!"
[Somechick] : HAHAHAHHAAH OK I HAVE A SICK MIND
[Somechick] : ahahahahhahahahahahha
[me] : this is soo going in my blog.
[Somechick] : hahahahaha babi
[Somechick] : hahahaha letak laaaa
[me] : names witheld, of course.
[Somechick] : yes yes go ahead
[me] : psh... "number 3" BWARGHAHAHAHA
[me] : y'know what, i thot u wuz on to me.
[Somechick] : aahahaha whadayamean
[Somechick] : i am innocent
[me] : and also..
[me] : [Somechick]: hahahah i thought it'd be like if i cakap first one then u say "oh so u feel that way about your husband's penis? nak cincang?!" <--- SAY WHAT?!?!
[me] : THATS JUST WRONG, MAN!!!
[Somechick] : hahahahaha i thought it was a psychological question or some shit like that
[me] : * shudder *
[Somechick] : hahahahahahahahhaha
[Somechick] : like a freudian thingggggggggggggg
[Somechick] : mana aku tauuuu it's a cheap trick question without any insight
[Somechick] : cissss
[me] : heh heh.
[me] : oh well..
[me] : anyways
[me] : reminds me of something i read somewhere..
[me] : happened in malaysia (or singapore, iinm)
[Somechick] : about?
[me] : this secretary was giving her boss a bj in the car
[me] : (or in some places, a 'number three lady')
[me] : anyways
[me] : like i said, they were doing stuff when suddenly, some car accidentally hits their car from behind.
[me] : and she accidentally bit off the tip of the dudes manmeat
[Somechick] : hahahahaha bodoh hahahha tapi euwww and owwww!
[me] : you can say that again, man..
[me] : im cringing as i type this. fffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...!!!
[Somechick] : macam sakit je
[Somechick] : eiiii
[Somechick] : i feel bad for the poor bastard though but he deserved it i guess
[me] : yeah. bastard was cheating on his wife. ironically, the guy that terlanggar the car was a private investigator that worked for the wife.
[me] : im guessing the PI got a bonus.
[Somechick] : hahaha for all u know he "accidentally" did it
[me] : could be.
[me] : anyhoot, enough private parts talk for today.
[me] : im'na do some work, later, sicko.
[Somechick] : yeah bye bye d'sicko haha

Fuck you, recycling!

Ever had that one in a million chance happen to you, even though it counts for shit-all? See illustrated: HOLY FUCKING SHIT ONNA BRICK, I.AM.AWESOME!!!

Made my fuckin' day, that.

*oh stop your soppy cries of woes, you hippy. I did go and put that plastic bottle in its proper bin later.

My flickr

So these past coupla months have been an okay coupla months for a coupla weddings. Check my stuff here. And my partner in photo-crime- here. Tell your friends. We're awesome. Sometimes.

I almost fergot about this blog

Thank you elliester for reminding me that I have a blog and it is in dire need of an update. Well, here's an update: I've just got to level 60 in world of warcraft and have proceeded to create a new character by the name of SaripDol on the Kul Tiras server (US, iinm.). No, i'm not kidding. he is awesome. Sure, he's only at level 5. Give him a coupla weeks- nay, MONTHS...

My t shirt from Indon

So I got this from Burul. It's awesome and all, but...

The iThings we do

We live in an IT world, do we not? So I guess it's not that odd that we make use of all things IT and somehow misuse it in a way its not meant to utilised. Or bring whatever culture that's been cultivated from the cyberworld to the real world (memes?). Well, you know you're a bit of a... whatever I described above when:

1) You combed my hair, and instead of turning around and using the damn mirror, you use the webcam on the mac. (okay. definitely me.)

2) You wish you could Ctrl+Z (or Command+z) most of the common mistakes you make. Thats not in the computer.

3) "Anybody seen my phone? Never mind, I'll call it using the house phone. Brring Brring. Ah, there it is." On the flipside, "Anybody see my carkeys? Never mind, I'll ca-... oh. Crap. Where the fuck are my carkeys?!"

4) You listen to a song, you imagine the coloured bars coming down, ala Rock Band/Guitar hero. Ooo, long yellow bar. *Thumps imaginary base drum.* Score!

5) Instead of a good book or paper, you take a dump while watching stuff on your iPod. Even better, check your mail if you have wifi or 3g phone.

6) 'I can has' is the new 'May I have'/Could I have'.

7) You almost get a panic attack when you forget to bring your handphone.

8) When in strange company, fiddle phone. When bored with strange company, fiddle phone. When NOT bored with strange company, check sms, y'know, just in case. When theres nothing to do on phone, read past text messages. Delete past text messages. Check sent items. Clear sent items. Check wifi availability. Get angry and curse IT guy for putting in password. Also, get angry when people make fun of being 'anti-social'.

9) It used to be illegal to text while driving. Update: it's also illegal to YM, to reply to an email, to 3G call someone and say 'im driving'.

10) You see something funny/sad/odd. You think, hey, this'd be a nice post for my blog. Then totally forget about it. And when you DO remember, the story grows an extra leg.

11) You've tried to look for porn on Youtube. You've been duped by many many dupe videos that have an icon of some hot chick- turns out its some 40 year old fat guy with a webcam thats 'stroking his cat from Japan.'

12) You Google something you can't spell. And see the 'did you mean (word)?' section.

I'd add more but I gotta go work. Later.

p.s: 13) you update your blog from work.

If these eyes could speak, it'd say 'LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!'

I accidentally saw an extremely disturbing clip today. No one died or anything, but it cringes me to the core. TO THE CORE, I SAY!

As I've told Burul, 'I'll never look at women (with vibrators) the same way again.'

*shudder*

Normally I'd divulge my aural-visual escapades as a post to this here blog, but sometimes... sometimes...

In other words:


more animals

Weeks of Pain

So yeah, it's been a while since my last update. That's cool. There'll prolly be more weeks of updates-nonexistent. Consistently inconsistent, my motto is. Heh heh.

But anyways, a couple of things happened that generally revolves around work, and also of things that are none your flippin' business, so I'll pretty much skip that shit.

A while back, I contracted, for want of a better word, 2 medical conditions that either : messed up any activity that required me to go about shirtless in public, or any sort of running or jogging plans I had (bahahaha! jogging!). This post is for the first one.

The first was the apparent STD by the awesomely awful name of... wait for it... Herpes! Heh heh, I could almost hear it now. 'He had the WHAT?' Settle down! I DONT have herpes, goddamit!

How'd I apparently get it? A couple of months ago, I left a t-shirt over at my sisters house and I totally fergot about it. Anyways, I got it back, put it on and went to work, thinking alls cool.

It wasn't.

Zooming forward to lunchtime that day, I began to itch on the chest area just slightly North-East to my right nipple. Oh, it itched bad! I thought nothing of it and I just scratched. Like a cat scratches the ground just before taking a dump. Ye..eah. Because I was so busy with work and everything, I absent mindedly scratched the spot continously, thinking that it must've been some dumb-ass mosquito that had a fetish for man-boob blood that'd bitten me the night before.

Later when I got home, the itching continued, and looking at a mirror, I was surprised to find several blisters had developed on the skin.

Dont panic, I said. It'll go away eventually. It didnt. Then it began to hurt. The skin around it felt tender, like someone poured hot mushroom soup on your chest, and not in a kinky way. I'd gone and put some anti-fungal cream on it but still no go. I bet the thing was confused. I imagine it going, 'Excuse me, but wtf do you think you're doing, sir? I, am NOT some cheap fungal infection that grows about on damp places of your skin! Stop this at once! It's embarassing for both of us! I'm already getting funny looks from your right nipple!'

I couldnt take it anymore, because, the whole feeling of it was like this; it was painful AND itchy at the SAME time and I couldnt scratch it because of the blisters. And if I've learned anything from the Discovery Channel is never poke a sleeping skunk and never scratch a liquid-filled blister. Also, a time machine does not exist. Yet.

So I went to a pharmacist to buy more potent creams. I showed the pharmacist lady the area, and she suggested I go see a doctor. I did and this is where things got really messed up. The doctor, upon seeing the area, got all serious on me and asked, 'Have you had any sexual contact these past couple of days?'

'Pardon? Can you run that by me again?' I said.

'Have you had any sexual contact these past couple of days? From the look of it, I suspect it's a sign that you might have herpes.'

'I've never taken any womans peas, sir! AND no, I have NEVER had ANY sexual contact at ALL!' Except with Shanon Elizabeth. In my head! But I didnt tell him this.

'No no, HERPES. It's an STD.'

'I see. Again, no.'

'Well, from the state of the skin, I suspect it's herpes. I'll give you some bla bla bla' he went on and later he gave me some cream and some anti-viral tablets.

Well, this a confusing state of events that's developed. Me, being the virgin that I am, who was about as promiscuous as a banana, had somehow contracted an STD that's generally reserved for pimps, pirates and hookers. Earned myself a nickname 'Herpes boy' from friends when I told them about it. Bastards.

But then, along came my friend Kong with the answer. I showed him the area one day and said that it wasn't herpes and he'd gone through the same shit from the last doctor that diagnosed him.

'You got bitten by a Charlie beetle (Rove beetle). Or rather, got sprayed by it's extremely potent acidic defense mechanism. I got it the last time when I was in college. There was a Charlie beetle outbreak at the time and the skin condition is exactly the same. Like you, the doctor asked if I had any sexual contact the past couple of days. No and it couldn't be, I said, because theres 5 people waiting outside from my college with the same skin condition as mine. Doctor then said it must be a Charlie beetle,' he said.

Well, thats a load of my mind. I later checked the t shirt that I wore before and I saw that there WERE patches of dried liquid from the bugs butt on the same exact place where the itches began. Did a Google and these Charlie bugs are NASTY. It was one of the most dangerous bugs in bugdom with a potent chemical mix in its stinger. Its venom is so potent that even if the creature died and its husk crushed and rubbed on the skin, the poison would still retain its nasty effect, like the one I had. Whats worse is if the blisters on the affected area was scratched or burst, more would grow.

Well, all's well now. The general remedy was to not scratch the area and just keep the area dry. Left a couple of scarred dots on my skin, it did!

Well, if anyones used Youtube, I too can confidently say that Charlie bit me. Or left a 'booby' trap. Buahahaha.

Herpes, my ass.

Next post: Me and My left foot. Of pain.

Hello

Am still around. I've just been flippin' lazy in updating, what with the gout and "herpes" and all. (note the quotes. i do NOT have herpes. more on this later on. heh! but I do have another STD thats not: gout. more on this later too.)

The BS Conundrum

The other day, I was testing out my blood sugar level. No, I'm not diabetic, but my dad is. But not on a full blown level. Just a light version, so to speak. Y'know, if, like, diabetes was a type of software, my dad's would be a demo version, and the occasional nag screen would pop up either asking for a full upgrade or...

What the fuck is this nerd talking about...?

Uh,Okay, beginning to lose you here, but anyways, as I was saying, I was helping my dad configure a few stuff on his shiny new blood sugar level tester thing. It's this little gadget that sucks blood and spews forth numbers that indicate whether or not your blood sugar level qualifies you to piss in your coffee every morning. (I exagerrate. Some people drink tea..)

How this thing works is like this: you prick your finger with the supplied needle which is attached to a pen-like mechanism. It doesnt hurt but the thought a sudden intrusion of needle penetrating skin naturally makes one twitch. When the red stuff begins oozing out, you drop a, uh, droplet of blood on a strip (thats attached to the tester) and that, with the magic of modern techmolagy, calculates your blood sugar level, etc etc, ding: you get your blood sugar level. It's good to know, really. I guess it's one of those things that make you look brainy in conversation, y'know. 'So, I was testing my blood sugar level and as it turns out, im a 7. Whats yours? Oh, you dont know? Most diabetics dont know. You sir, are a dead man.' Then they'd kick me out of the Donut shop...

But I digress.

So that day, as I was helping everyone test out their BS level (fancy way of saying Blood Sugar, innit?), it came then to my moms turn. While I was prepping her for it,

'So what's your BS level?' she asked.

'7.6*' I said, swabbing an alcohol-soaked cotton on her forefinger.

'7.6?' she says.'Thats 2.6 above average!' Uh oh, I thought myself. Here it begins.

And my mum begins to lecture me on how I should stop consuming all manner of fizzy drinks and how I should control my eating habits, etc etc etc...

'Adoi!' she says as I pricked her finger with the needle pen.

'And that would be the needle,' I said, placing the droplet of blood on the machine. As it worked out the sugary math, my mum kept on the lecture on the Deathly Dangers of Coca Cola(TM) and the Sugary Evil That Is Pepsi(TM) and lets not forget the 7 sinful sugary spoonfuls of F&N(TM). Look at your brother, he's 4 points above normal. And he's fit! It's the family... etc etc...' my mom went on...

*BEEP*

11.4.

'11.4', I said.

'What?!'

'11.4. Sez here. See?'

'Do it again,' says mum. I did, and...

*BEEP*

'11.3'

'The machines broken.'

WTF??!?!? After the long-ass lecture, and with me being only 2 points above normal BS level, she deduced the fact, just like that, that the machines gone kaput.

'I dont trust these machines anyway. The hospital usually gets it right, etc etc...'

'Thats a bit hypocritical, innit?' I said, packing up and disposing of used needles. But then, who am I to argue with such a sweet lady. Heh heh.

But just to clarify, my mums NOT a diabetic. The machine ocasionally spews out inaccurate numbers sometimes, depending on what that person ate a few minutes or hours before doing the test.

Of course, lecture or no, my mum does have a point. I really ought to watch my diet or I just might be the person pissing in my morning cup of coffee. Which is scary because I'm a tea person. Kencing Manis indeed.




*if I recall correctly

Selling it (Continued)

"Um... Joe."

"Okay, Umjoe-'

'Uh, Juh..Joe.'

Okay, Jill. I'm not gonna lie to you. You do know that my merchandise is highly illegal and any sort of run in with Police,' I said the word, spitting the Po with a capital spit,' will result in you getting an automatic date with Big Shiny Jim back in the ol' downtown slammer. And I most definitely am not talking about the 'holding-hands-movie-dinner-first base-second base-third base-i think-we-have-a-connection' type of date, if you know what I mean.'

I take a sip of my coffee and stare at his face. I can see he was contemplating the situation. He stared at the table and chewed on his lip.

'Why's he called Big Shiny Jim?'

'He's a pole shiner.'

'His job is a pole shiner?'

'Not if the pole is his and the thing that makes it shine is some poor bastards butthole.'

'Oh.'

'These thing's make you do crazy things, man. I'm not kidding you. You ever heard the story of The Flying Dutchman?'

'Isn't that the Pirate movie w-'

'No its not some fucked up Pirate movie, son! I'm talking about the legend of The Flying Dutchman!' He gave an extremely confused stare. I sighed.

'Okay, so I guess you were busy playing World of Warcrap or whatever. The Flying Dutchman is, was, this guy who got so fucked up, so high, he stole a vehicle, gave the Police the most fucked up chase the state, no, the world has ever known.'

'So why's he called the Flying Dutchman?'

'Well, firstly, he's British. Secondly, well... lets just say the car chase between him and Five-Oh didn't exactly end the way the coppers wanted it to end. The devastation the guy caused was real epic and the way the cops handled the chase wasn't really the best in the world either. 4 of their cars got totalled. Public property was fucked up so bad, the mayor actually cried. Nobody got hurt though.'

'What? But you said that-'

'I know what I said, monkeyboy! Yes, the whole place was smashed up. Only because the bastard somehow got his hands on a fuckin' TANK! I'm not kidding, an actual World War fuck knows, tank! Turns out, the Flying Dutchman was a janitor at some army base that held a few of those machines for some parade. Anyways, God knows how or why he snapped, but all the cops know is, somehow he managed to steal the keys to one of the tanks in there. Here's the funny part. Somehow in his state of near euphoric highness, he'd gone an' managed to actually start the engine, learn to steer and drive the fucking thing!'

I paused, took a sip of my now cold coffee.

'Shi..it...'

'Shit indeed, sonny jim. Shit indeed. He crashed through the wall, ran over the gate and just started plowing ahead towards the city. Now the cops, dumb as you might expect, were kinda confused as to how they'd handle the situation. Long story short, like I said, after plowing through 4 police cruisers, hydrants, bus stops, lawns, 5 shops and other shit, the police managed to stop him by... well... not doing anything much.

'How..?'

'He drove off a bridge and into the river. Now you might think a tank is all muscle with no speed but you're wrong. It's quite fast. So the Flying Dutchman thought that, hey, he's got some speed. Why not try and jump the bridge. Incidentally, the cops'd radioed the bridge keeper so he had to raise bridge to stop the tank from crossing on to the other side. Anyways, dude thinks he's Peter Pan or something and steps on the gas full steam ahead. The tank climbs up the first half of the bridge at whatever breakneck speed, leaps over and hangs up in the air for a microsecond, and totally misses the touchdown on the other half. Poor bastard fell about a hundred feet into the drink.'

'Waitaminit... you said nobody got hurt?'

'He didn't! An hour later, police found him on the shore, laughing his ass off. He'd gone crazy as a batter. Or hatter. Whatever. The long arm of law charged him with driving a tank recklessly without a license and causing widespread damage and finally, locked him up in the crazy house. Open shut case.'

Joe sighed, looked at me in an indifferent look and said, 'Look, thats a crazy story an' all, but I don't want any trouble, alright? Just sell me some and I'll be on my way.'

The waitress, who was walking past our table saw my cup was empty and went on over to fill my cup.

'More coffee-' she said, 'Officer...?' Ah, my cover as drug dealer has been blown by a lady carrying a pot of coffee. I smile inwardly. I don't really care.

'Thanks, but no thanks, Ma'am. Maybe some for my young friend here. He looks a bit pale.'

Kids these days, I thought to myself. Personally, I blame Ashton Kutcher. That fuck.

This is just too funny...

I know I've been lazy in updating my own shit in this here blog, but as I was surfing one of my favourite sites, I stumbled upon this gem, I just had to link it. Many lol's were had. Seriously! Checkkit!

Wake the fuck up!

KFC

Good times, great taste, at KFC!

IS there a point to this post, you ask? No, not really. Original recipe, here I come!!!

When will I ever learn...

Note to self: Always check your damn gas indicator! Pushing your scooter 2.1km to the nearest gas station IS.NOT.COOL!!! FUCK!

Second time this year too. Damn.

Well heres a waste of 6minutes and 48 seconds

I was surfing youtube, so I sez, hey, lets click a random youtube link. And this is what I clicked. I'll leave it up to you as to what the hero is singing about. Really, its just too ridiculous. (Ikin, reckon you and Bad could even 'splain whats the thing about. heh heh.) Really, the tune is fucked up catchy, i tells ya.

Bit Tids #1

How many emo kids does it take to make a microwave burrito?

Four. One to write about it on LiveJournal, One to post a MySpace bulletin, One to take a picture of himself in the mirror with the burrito, and One to microwave the burrito.

Hamster.

Andre: ei dude what does hamster eat?

me: hamster food.

Andre: which is

me: people. and geography text books. how the fuck should i know!

Andre: oh no....
Andre: hamster = devil?

me: hamster = hamster, bitch! you got yourself a hamster?

Andre: i dunno dude u seem to be one to know about hamster
nah one crept into my office dunno whose is it

me: wtf???
is it dead?

Andre: alive
and quite active
running here and there

me: ye ke?
is it tame?

Andre: tame...? its a hamster
what harm can it do?

me: it can give you rabies?
rabies lead to death.
death leads to.. well.. no more World of Warcraft. (at least, in your case.)

Andre: lol
it doesnt bite so far

Andre: well it bit me now...
anyway no idea what it eats?

me: your finger, apparently.
dude...
it bit you..
that means...
you're gonna turn into... a hamster zombie.
but.. instead of thirst for brains, you have.. a thirst for... kibbles!
and round spinny things for exercise.

Andre: kibbles....KIBBLES!!!!
[zombie] me want kibbles

me: you'd make a crappy zombie, i'd tell you that. and zombies cant talk.
anyways, kibbles is dog food. my bad.

Andre: you would know...
google sez, hamsters will eat anything
lol

me: ...apparently... even you, my friend.
i'd be scared if i wuz you.

Andre: i gave it a kerepek
it eats

me: ye ke?
pergh...
thats one fucked up hamster.

Andre: i wonder...i have coke with me...will it drink, hmm

me: go fer it, man

Andre: haha
cannot
dah ada 3 guardian
3 ladies currently

me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Kyi0WNg40

Andre: lol

Selling it.

It was a hot and balmy night when I stepped in the coffeeshop. The usual crowd. Crazy Bob was in his usual seat, mumbling on and on about how his dog had been kidnapped by aliens. Nobody had the heart to tell him that his dog wasn't kidnapped by aliens or point out the fact that he never had a dog in the first place. It seems that things are easier that way. I nod at the waitress and took my seat near the jukebox, patting my left pocket just to make sure the package was there. It was. Crazy Bob looks up from his empty plate and stares me straight in the eye.

'You seen my dog?'

'What dog?' I ask. The waitress stares at me as if I'm the dumbest son of a bitch she's seen in her life. She doesnt say anything but still kept that look on her face.

'My dog. Ya seen it?'

'Yeah. I seen your dog'

'Really?!' his eyes light up with sudden hope and joy!

'Yeap. Killed him. Took my gun and blew his brains out. That'll teach him to shit on my lawn.' I live in an apartment. What lawn, really?

He looked at me in a strange way, sorta like the same way the waitress is looking at me. Like I'm the dumbest son of a bitch he'd seen in his life. Everyone in the coffeeshop froze. They were listening and looking at us the moment Crazy Bob asked me if I'd seen his fuckin' dog.

'You're a fucking liar!' Crazy Bob yelled from across the room.

'No I'm not.' I said.

'Yes you are!'

'No I'm not!'

'Yes you are!'

'No I'm not!'

'YES YOU ARE!!!'

'YES, I AM!!!' I suddenly yell.

'NO YOU'RE NOT!!!'

'YOU'RE RIGHT!'

'I knew it! You fuckin' liar. 'snot funny...' he said. He began to settle down, staring at his coffee cup. 'M'dogs been kidnapped, y'hear...' he mumbles.

'I bashed it's head in with a shovel...'

'WHAT?!'

'Nothing!'

Really, if there's one thing I enjoy doing in this shit town, is pissing off Crazy Bob. I turn to the waitress and ordered me a cuppa. She rolled her eyes and 5 minutes later it was on my table. 5 fuckin' minutes for a cup of coffee? I thought to myself. What the fuck, man. I pat my left pocket again, just in case. It was still there. Cant be too careful, I say to myself.

I waited.

Now I'm not a frequent of this place but not two hours ago I got a call from a guy asking me if I was selling. I said-

'I dont know what the fuck you're talking bout, man. You've got the wrong number.'

'No, I've got the right number. Settle down, dude. Jimmy told me about you and he said I could get some shit from you,' he mumbled nervously.

'Jimmy who?' I ask. I knew who Jimmy was.

'Thin Jimmy, from the corner. He said you could hook me up.'

'I don't know no goddamn "Thin Jimmy". 'Sfar as I know, you got the wrong number, man. Goodbye.' I hung up. He'll call again. They usually do.

A minute later the phone rang again. It was him. Again. This guy sounded young. And stupid.

'Look, I'd deal with Jimmy straight but he said you've got some. Jimmy's fresh out and-'

'Okay! Okay! Shut up, you fuck. I dont do business on the phone. Coffeeshop. Third Street. Wear a red cap.'

'Uh, I dont have red cap. I've got a blue one. And a brown one. But no red cap.'

'Fine. Blue cap. Whatever. No cops.' Oh, the irony.

'Of course not!!! Okay. Blue cap. What about clo-'

Now you might be wondering what it is that I do. Here's the skinny: I am a drug dealer. Okay. Fine. I just sell weed. I'm small time. Keeps me off the radar. Whatever. Pay's the bills. Screws people up most of the time, but hey, what do I care?

I was downing my second cup of coffee when the door opens. A kid, wearing a blue cap, stepped in the coffeeshop . He looks around the shop slowly and his eyes settle on me and we make eye contact. I gave him a slight nod and gestured him to sit on the chair opposite mine.

The kid was about 16 from his looks. Pudgy. With a moustache just barely coming out from his greasy lip. He had a nervous look on his face, but at the same time, fella tried to look tough in unfamiliar surroundings. In a place filled with middle aged men a women, who, incidentally, were studying him with some curiosity, then went back to whatever they were doing. He walked with a slight swagger that looked more comical than macho, as if he owned the place but would twitch if someone even sneezed in his direction. Fuck, I thought to myself. Kids, these days. Personally, I blame the parents. And Ashton Kutcher. That fuck.

'Hey, 'sup?' he said, tilting his head back and sneering in my direction.

'Sit down and shut up.'

'Yuh- Yessir,' he stuttered and sat down so fast, as if the world was running out of seats.

'State your business.'

'What?'

'Your business. What is it that you want?' I said.

'Y'know... I want the stuff.' He said 'stuff' as if its the most dirty word in the world and his mom was overhearing this whole conversation. 'The stuff, like, y'know... weed?'

'And what is it that hope to achieve by buying this so called, stuff as you put it, this, weed?

He began to shuffle in his seat uncomfortably. Sweat began to pour down his brow forehead.

'What's your name, fatty?'

- to be continued

Shorts #45

'I voted for the other guy,' he said to himself. No one was listening. Still, he just couldn't believe it. His guy didnt win! How could this be. It's a tragedy! The end is nigh! The people have brought it upon themselves, their own undoing!

As usual, he began to grumble to himself. It was a cold morning and people were already starting to fill up the streets and the park. Everyone seemed to having a smile on their faces. Shiny, happy people, he thought to himself. And it was beginning to get on his nerves! 'Pah! This isn't right! The other guy should've won! I voted for him! TWICE!' he shouted out loud. Some pigeons apparently flew away from this outburst. A dog approached him and sniffed around his face.

'GET AWAY, YOU MUTT!' he shouted. But even to the acute ears of the dog, well, his cries fell on deaf ears, so to speak. The dog began circle him. Once, twice. The dog paused, concentrated and began to raise it's hind leg.

'NONONOYOU BASTARD! PISS OFF!!! GAH!!!'

Of course, those weren't exactly the best choice of words to communicate to a dog when you're a fire hydrant.

Apples, shoes, fur.

Man was I pissed today. I'm not really a fan of hip hop, really. I just cant get jiggy with it. Heh heh. Anyways, you ever had one of those days where you wake up with a tune or a song in your head. And you wonder to yourself, how the FUCK did it get there?!

This morning, I woke up with Flo Riders 'Low' stuck to the inside of my brain. So heres how my day started with the song – just two lines from the whole song, mind you – kept looping in my 'ed...

I woke up and sat at the edge of my bed-
shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
boots with the fur (with the fur)

I stood up and took my towel-
shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
boots with the fur (with the fur)

I opened my door and went to the toilet. Took my shower and the whole time-
shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
boots with the fur (with the fur)

Put my clothes on and went to work-
shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
boots with the fur (with the fur)

GAHHH!!!! ENOUGH WITH THE APPLES AND THE BOTTOMS AND THE BOOTS WITH FUR ALREADY!!!!

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea. I thought to myself, Bwahey! Maybe, just maybe, if I had another tune my head, it could balance things out. Lessee...

Ala payung, laalah payung lah payung
ketipang payung payung sutera, nak raja muda...

Dont ask how I came up with that choice of song... All I know is, it'd worked! Somehow Flo Rider, him and T-Pain both went, 'What the fuck, nigga?' and just STFU'ed.

For a while.

Nothing happened for about a minute or so until somehow, someone up in my Brain Department thought that a remix of the two songs using just those lines would be awesome. Could probably be a hit in "The Clubs" as well. Heck, even at the "After Parties". Wow.

For the first time, P. Ramlee did a collabo with Flo Rider feat. T-Pain.

shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
Ala payung, laalah payung lah payung
boots with the fur (with the fur)
ketipang payung payung sutera, nak raja muda...

I sighed, shrugged my shoulders and continued on with my day. Screw you, hip hop. Apple bottom jeans and shoes with the fur and all. Word.

The birthday. And the card.

28 10. A day the world remembers as one of the most great, no, fantastic, No! AWESOME, no! Heck, theres not even a word that could describe the sheer (missing word) of what the date 28 10 respresents. And so, I have decided to make my own word - a word so great, no dictionary would dare to print without spellchecking it 324,342 times. Behold, the word:

"Fanawesgreaholyshitealiciousantastic."

Holy fucking SHIT!!! THAT IS AN AWESOME WORD!

But I digress.

So, the other day, the people at my office decided to give a surprise party for me. Well, its not really a SURPRISE party, per se. More like, a 'raised eyebrow' party. Or a 'What The-? Whats going on 'ere?' party. Heck, its not even a party. Just a gathering of bosses and colleagues surrounding a table that's got a cake and polistyrene cups and stuff.

It was cool. It was 4 days early, but it's the thought that counts. I think the funniest part of the whole thing was the card that they made for me:

Too true. Too true. Note to self: Remove all incriminating pictures that might incriminate your idiocy(Or awesomeness.)

Okay. I've never seen a female porn film diector. Wait a minute... who the fuck cares about porn directors anyways?

I have never watched porn with her. Honest! At least, not with that huge-ass hair on her head.

Hey, man! Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional! So stfu! Also, so's your face.

Faisal looks like a Mexican Pornstar in this one. Seriously.

Honestly, this is my favourite. Big huge lol's for this one, folks.

This dude stole my get-up from facebook. The cad!

Heh heh. People of the 70's are crazy, man. Crazy! Must be the hairspray. Or drugs. Or Hairspray AND drugs.

This was his own picture from his drivers license. Have a 'good one' indeed!

I've gone PRO! THATS RIGHT, BITCHES!

What am I on about? Flickr, of course. Seeing as that my l337 photo skillz are getting betterrer and betterrer, (double positive, no?) I've decided to go for a paid version of flickr. Hence the PRO. Which is a shortform for the word PROFESSIONAL. But I bet you already knew that.

Well, it's awesome. It's got stats and shit. Stats are awesome. I'd be like, 'Whoah, Holy Crap! 2.34 people visited my flickr page today! What A Neat And Useful Thing, This Stats Counter Is. I Wish I Had It On My Balls*.'

But then I'd laugh... because I don't need a Stats Counter on my juggling balls to count how many times it falls on the ground. I'm still practising.*

Here it be.

Enjoi!




*you thought I was referring to my delicates, werent you? You're sick, you know that? Chee...

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Paling Berpotensi!

Right, well, its like, 3.30am and there I was, sitting in front of a laptop, googling my nick (or ego surfing). Anyways, as it turns out, I'd been nominated, in 2006, as a blog that, "had potential." What potential, you ask? I havent a fucking clue! Anyways, here's the site that someone by the name of Anonymous had "nominated" my sorry excuse for a blog. Scroll down to the part where it sez "Kategory D: Paling Berpotensi."

Weird, eh? And the best part is, I didnt even know about that shit.

Man, when I first saw it, I was like, holy cow! 0 votes!! Me, being the underachiever that I am, was ecstatic. I was so ecstatic, I ran out of the room and dropkicked my sleeping brother in the face. Which was kinda odd, because my brothers not at home. In the end, as it turns out, it was my sisters maid. Oh, she'll laugh about this one day.

Anyhoot, as long as I'm typing this, I'd like to wish a Selamat Hari Raya and maaf whatever. Ok? Ok.

Not the Nine O' Clock News: Mencarut

Watch this vid big wobbly tits it really quite funny i would like to do you in a bus station. British comedy sometimes kicks bare ass-shake. Then you'd probably understand why I'm writing like this spank my nads and call me Sir.

Shorty #46

Continued from Shorty #45. Just so we're clear, shorty #45 is actually #1 and so on. Ok?


It's amazing how ones life can change by the smallest of things. Like trust. Trust is a dangerous thing. In the hands of people who lie, who cheat, who deceive, is a commodity, worth it's weight in gold. Trust is how I met her. Ironically, it was clear from the start, we never trusted each other, but we worked around it. Not because we wanted to but because we had to. Her fate ties directly to mine. And mine hers.

---

The water felt cold against my skin. I choke and sputter like crazy as I try hard to iron out of the hazy blur thats spinning around in my throbbing head. The left side of my lip was swollen the size of walnut. If it didn't, it sure as hell felt like it did.

"Fuck..." I slurred. "Where the fuck..." I tried to reach for my face but as it turns out, those fuckers had gone and tied my hands together to a wooden chair I was sitting on. Wow, I must be more dangerous than I thought. A lone blurry figure stood infront of me holding a bucket.

"What the hell, man?!" I yell. "It's a new shirt!"

The figure chuckled."Looks like you wont be using it for a while. What with all that nasty bloodstains all over it. I'm surprised a stick like you could bleed so much with just one punch.

"Yeah, well, you and me both, sister." She wasn't my sister.

I was a in dark dank room, no more bigger than a store closet. Hell, it actually WAS a store closet, only a slightly big one. It smelled faintly of cheese and socks. On the left was a couple of brooms and a mop, leaning against a dirty wall. A window in the wall lit the room, though most of its panes were blacked out. A small unpainted pane gave the room whatever light it could pass through.

She was sitting on a small cot on the right side of the room. Her legs dangling on the side of bed like a kids. As the fog in my eyes cleared up, I could see her staring at me, the same unemotional face I remembered before being sucker punched... wait a minute now I remember! That bastard cleaner fuckin' used an iron knuckle on me! Mother fuc-

A door opens behind me opened and closed slowly...

~tbc!~

Joe was walking down the mall the other day and saw a bunch of kids playing in an air castle. Whats an air castle, you ask? It's an inflated lorry tire tube in the shape of a castle. Kids go in and jump around and basically go nuts, flinging themselves on the walls and whatnot.

That looks like fun, he thought to himself and joined in the fun. He ran in and bounced around and played with the other kids. But the other kids looked at him funny but he didnt care! He was bouncing off the walls. IM BOUNCING OF THE WALLS! LOOKIT ME! he yelled with glee.

But the only problem was, he was a security guard.

Shorty #45

"No!" she said. "NO NO NO NO!"

"Fine!" I said angrily. "But just so you know, it was your idea in the first place!"

"Well, I changed my mind. And besides, who said it'd be today? We never agreed for it to happen today, what with all the bullshit that we'd gone through today."

I fished my pack of Dunhills from my pocket and lit one stick, savouring the smoke as it burnt through whatever lung tissue I had left. I'd been meaning to quit but I figured, after this week, we'd probably be dead anyway. So why bother? I rolled down the window and we cruised silently down the road. Traffic wasnt heavy this time of day and the town was in sort of laid back atmosphere. Kids were playing in the park and the parents were out on picnics nearby. Under normal circumstances, I'd say this was a beautiful day. Pity it aint for us.

"Make a left here," she said, snapping me out of my 2 seconds daydream. I made the turn and we arrived in a street dominated by a huge red building. It was fairly old, with an architecture that I didn't really give a fuck less. Vines were growing on its brick walls and from the look of things, it was well kempt. There was no one around save for a street cleaner sweeping a sidewalk.

"Stop here," she said, her eyes never leaving the entrance of the building as I stopped at a good parking spot.

"What is this place?" I asked. "And what the hell are we doing here anyway? We're supposed to lie low, remember?"

"We are. Now shut up and help me take the shit out from the back."

"Whatever. What is this place?" I asked again, slightly irritated because she didn't answer me the first time. "Looks like a fortress. How come I've never seen this place before?"

"Thats because you've never seen this place before," a voice spoke from behind me. I turned around startled. It was the street cleaner. How'd he get here so fast-?

That's when the world became dark. The last thing I remember was that son of a bitch's grinning face as his fist hit home. Home being the side of my face. The force of the punch spun me around and I could see her face, cold and emotionless, staring at my limp body as it hit the boot of the car and slumped down to the ground. Blood oozed out of my mouth and nose. I could remember them looking down at while the cleaner rubbed his fist. I passed out.

~to be continued whenever.

When boredom is complemented by hunger...

It all started with this on the mac's built in camera and software. I was bored and hungry, so...


A week later, boredom and hunger reared it's ugly face yet again! I'd gone and Yearbooked myself. Man, I look awesome in afro (1982). Word.

Annoying people when they're are bz sometimes is fun.

me:
hoi

eliaheska:
ape?

me:
ohoo
eksen skang

eliaheska:
mestila eksen kalau kepale nak pecah buat tcv

me:
what the fuck is tcv?

eliaheska:
tvc
silap laaa

me:
tcv tu ape?

eliaheska:
tvc la
TVC
TVC
TVC
TVC
tau x

me:
tau.
tapi

eliaheska:
tapi ape?(damn drama melayu)

me:
tapi...
tvc tu ape?

eliaheska:
TV COMMERCIAL
ADUH TIPU LA KAU
UR WASTING MY TIME MAN

me:
fine.

eliaheska:
:P

me:
but i have one question for you.

eliaheska:
apo

me:
tvc tu ape?

eliaheska:
:P
get lost
ko ni kurang kaseh syg ke

me:
tak.
cuma aku tak paham satu menda..
pergh..

eliaheska:
fine

me:
aku cakap... satu menda aku tak paham..

eliaheska:
like i care

me:
OHOOO!! MAIN KASAR!

eliaheska:
sayang
i bz ni
esok yeee lepas i hantar keje u tanyeee la ape u nak tanye
ok?

me:
nak tanye tvc tu ape?
hello?

Milkshake!

Of carelesness and whatnot...

I was at an engagement ceremony the other day where me and my friend were hired to be the official photographers of the whole shebang.

The day started of with me being late because I was waiting for my wash to stop, um, washing. As I waited, I decided to play me a game of DOTA with Adi. Which was a pointless because that bastard was kicking the computers butt so hard, it was pretty much pointless for me to be in the game at all. I said 'Fuck you!' and left the game.

~ post saved to draft ~

The above post was saved about a month ago, iinm and only now I realized that I hadnt updated it. And because of my constant laziness (what with the fasting and all), I've decided to clip it short. Heres the condensed version:

Played DOTA, was in a rush, packed things hastily, went to engagement, got ready to shoot, camera body-check!, batteries-check!, lenses-check!, memory card-ch... SONOFABITCH!

Turns out, fergot to bring memory card. Went to shops nearby, none of the bastards carried Compact Flash cards. Not even at grocery stores. Event at place nearly starting. Had to rush to "nearby" shopping mall to buy card. Nearly got lost. Luckily friend was there to cover first quarter.

Got the card after long walk in mall. Cost me 60 bucks. Went back. Took photos. (But still slightly pissed because of carelessness.) In the end, pictures turned out okay. (But still slightly pissed.) Shameless self promotion of work below. Enjoy.

The End.

Sumo Power!

Havent updated in so long, and this is what I come up with?

Andre: oit
morning dude

me: top o' the mornin
'suppanin?

Andre: english...do you speak it? lol
i have no idea what u just said
'suppanin?

me: yu dant oondarshtand?
weeyard...
hahah
typo la..
i meant, whats happening

Andre: understand i do not
Andre: cloudy morning dude
kinda cold with all the aircond
wish it was the weekend

me: same here
hujan beb

Andre: dude are you near PJ?

me: nope
10-15 mins

Andre: i might want to stop at PJ next week but dunno the way.
u know how to go to SS2?

me: tak tau ah beb
Andre's new status message - Out to lunch 1:24 PM

Andre: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLiX5d3rC6o
me: wtf?

Andre: what did i send you...?
i forgot
oh the almost real life CG...
cool eh

me: cool siak

Andre: me...
http://www.wowarmory.com/character-sheet.xml?r=Medivh&n=Sethussic
jut to eksen...
sigh
nbtd lol
Andre: as for the video
the question is is it all CG or just the face...

me: the face only la bro
the body is not, i think..
am i right?

Andre: haha...
i think so too
they did put the wireframe on the face only

me: aha
tu ah
eh
btw
u still play wow?

Andre: i guess voice actors are the future
yeah
i have 70 lock/70 rogue/70 hunter

me: nerd

Andre: i think gonna stop wow when WAR comes out
lolz
so says the guy who watch frog comedy anime...kerokero

me: hey! thats comedy genius!!!!

Andre: i wouldnt know... :P

me: ahah!
anyways
i wish i had time to play wow
:(

Andre: well if u decide to return, give me a holler....let me ressurect you and get a free mont
lol
me: wot?
english please
Andre: *free month for bringing back a ex player

me: hmm
sounds intriuging
however the hell you spell that.

Andre: intriguing...
not using firefox i see

me: i am
spellcehkng sukcs

Andre: well anyway...

me: what?

Andre: imma close shop and have a cup of nes tarik + roti pisang
later dude
Andre's new status message - in BG, if u know what i mean 4:41 PM

me: you lucky bastard.

Andre: my pay sucks compared to you advertising guys
no point of working more than what im paid

me: wtf?
you think us advertising guys are paid in gold and virgin maidens?!

Andre: lol so retro

me: okay, maybe not gold...

Andre: gold + virgins?

me: fine!

maybe not virgins.

Andre: lol

me: psh! you government people...

Andre: wtf!
im not in gov lol

me: really???

Andre: no im in private

me: no fuckin' way! i thought you wuz in UTM?

waitaminit... you're in whose privates?

Andre: perv
my company hire consultants from utm
but our relations with utm is strictly business
Andre: anyway...
bye
me: as opposed to... not business?

Andre: if i tell you...i have to kill you
so to speak...

me: if you kill me...
i'll sue you for reckless endangerment.

Andre: from the dead...?
really dude, u should worry more about the fire and brimstone

me: shuddup, nerd.

Andre is busy. You may be interrupting.

My new toy!

Chekkit! My new(ish) iPod Touch. It's awesome...

see more pwn and owned pictures

Courtroom Wars

So, we were in court, battling out the case of the Hijacked Facebook account. (which im totally innocent of any wrongdoing. really.Also, playing around with courtroom big words really makes me look smart. CIRCUMSTANCIAL! HEARSAY! BODO!)

============================================================

Adi
oooo orang kasi pakai laptop
dengki di facebook

Qiddas
you have no proof.

Adi
oooo
ok
it wasnt u who used my laptop yesterday

Qiddas
no proof at all.
that does not constitute as evidence.
its all circumstancial

Adi
well
evidence would point out to the residue of a big nosed person typing at the keyboard at around 10.30-11pm
and when x referrenced with the log from facebook
the change to status would have occured during that same time frame

Qiddas
is there any dna evidence? what log from facebook?
would you mind turning in this log from facebook.

Adi
there is

Adi
am subpoenaing them now

Qiddas
rather than attempting to prove an abstract or hypothetical point, this evidence gathering attempt to determine who is responsible for a criminal act of yours is really, well, lame.
do you have a witness?

Adi
well that is the sort of talk that would come from a guilty person such as yourself where all the implicating evidence clearly points out to you

Qiddas
that is total hearsay.
in fact, that sort of talk generally comes from a person desperate for a conviction
and will do anything necessary within the grey boundaries of the law to get it done.

Adi
well copying another persons argument would definitely look good with the jury

Qiddas
oh yeah? heres something that doesnt look good: using a spellchecker to spell 'subpoenaing'

Adi
well im wont be spelling it our on the court will i?
its not a spelling bee

Qiddas
you couldnt spell your own name without a dictionary.

Adi
well you could see one even if u tried

Qiddas
your honour, i object!!!
judge: 'sustained'.

Adi
judge: object schmeject

Qiddas
bodo

So no cake for you on my wedding. You'd be like, 'Can I have some cake?' Then I'd be like, 'No way!'



Then I'd laugh. But I'd give you cake anyway, because I'm that sort of guy. But as you sit down to eat cake, you realize its not cake, but an Enya's greatest hits cd. 



Thats right. Feel the pain.

This a post from my Mac widget. It are teh awesomes. K?

They were the best the friends. Inseparable. They went to school together, played in the playground with friends, went fishing at the nearby pond, talked about girls. Everything. But sometimes, growing up got in the way. That, and ambition.

One was destined to be a Ninja. The other, a Pirate.

As the years passed, they grew distant. Until at one point, they just left each other.They never called or wrote. Be that as it may, they became legends in their own right.

One kicked ass, shredded sweet riffs on his totally awesome guitar, flipped out and killed people all the time, slayed dragons and other otherwordly creatures, destroyed a fleet of planet-destroying aliens, dated hot sizzling ninja babes, while other had a fleet of pirate vessels, dozens of swashbuckling crews, a battery of deadly canons, whenches swooning at his feet, treasure and riches beyond count and bounty on his head worth gazijibilions, and a light sabre-

'A what?'

'A light sabre.'

'How the fuck would a pirate get his hands on a flippin' light saber???'

'How the FUCK does a ninja, a LONE ninja, destroy a fleet of PLANET-DESTROYING aliens?! A whole fucking fleet! They've got like, technology that could melt your weak-ass sword an' shit! Not to mention your dumb ninja ass.'

'Not if I used a light saber.'

'Motherfu- YOU JUST SAID I COULDNT HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SABRE!'

'Well, yeah. That because you're a pirate and I'm a ninja. Ninjas are totally sweet. Plus, we are teh rock, brader. And we can have any weapon we want.'

'Fuck you. I'm a pirate that has a light sabre and thats final, whore!'

'Cant.'

'Why the fuck not?'

'I just stole your light sabre...'

'You sir, are a butt-hole. Im going home.'

'-and your wench too!!!'

'Thats okay. She was your mom. kthnxbai.'

I was watching the Discovery Channel yesterday. It was a documentary on the indigenous tribes and culture and civilisations of past. It really was an eye-opener and I have come to the conclusion that no matter how backward or modern, violent or peace-loving, First world or Third; they all have one belief that will forever survive all wars, all human persecution, time and all of mother natures wrath: He (or she) who smelt it, dealt it.

You know what would be funny? You cover up your face, run in a bank with a realistic looking toy gun, wave it around and say funny things like 'Put all the money in the bank!' or 'Shut up or I'll shoot you in the face!' and then just stop, laugh, take off your mask and exclaim loudly, 'JUST KIDDING!' and then take a number. Sometimes people need comedy thats out of the blue.

When I was a kid, I went to the Hollywood studios. Me and my cuz got to see the car from the Knightrider series, KITT. My mom told me there was an actual person in the car, doing the voice. And we actually believed her.

Kids can be so stupid sometimes. When I say that, I actually mean my cousin.

Why do zombies have to have a craving for flesh right after they've re-animated? Why can't they come back with a craving for slightly less gory things- like gardening? Or badminton.

Some things in life we will never know.

So there I was, standing there in the middle of the road, wearing a tuxedo, a top hat, with flowers in my right hand and a box of cheap chocolates in my left. The chocolates were bought in a second hand store that sold old clothes. The lady behind the counter told me it wasn't for sale and said something about it beings hers, but I knew she was lying. I paid her the 50 cents, took the box and walked out of the store just as her big burly husband with a big burly moustache came from behind the back room with a big burly baseball bat. As I walked down the road, the big burly man stood in front of the store shouting profanities in my direction.

I stopped and pondered, should I go back and get my change of 20 cents?

Charity, I shrugged to myself and walked on.

The flowers, on the other hand, were a different story.

Time and time again, I see people touching wet paint with their fingers, to see whether or not the paint is wet. But as I look at them I too cant help but wonder to myself- Where are my pants?

I think one of the suckiest jobs in the world is to be an elevator. Because people always push your buttons.

He ran and he ran and he ran, but he never got tired. He thought it was extremely weird until he remembered he had no lungs. Or a cardiovascular system. Undead Skeletons are forgetful that way.

When a woman says, "Someday, I'm going to rule the world!", never EVER say "But you're just a GIRL!" Because one day, when she actually does manage to rule the world, guess whats her first order of business? Thats right. A nuclear bombing of your hometown. The best way to handle the situation is to say, "But then, you wont be able to go shopping, cook for the family, do the laundry, wash the car, send the kids to school, clean the house, take the kids to soccer practice, make dinner, make lunch, make breakfast, wash the dirty linen, change the diapers and all the other awesome stuff that you like to do." Then she'd get embarassed and say, 'You're right dear, as always.'

The world is safe yet again.

The action figure was angry. Who wouldn't? All they did was treat him like he was some sort of toy. I'll show them, he said. One day, when my fairygodmother comes, I'll wish to be a real action hero, then I'd blast them away with my laser-gun...

"But your laser-gun is just an LED light," said Buffo the clown doll.

This is why everyone hates clowns.

Flu

I had the flu the other day. It was one of the biggest most baddest flu attacks I've had in a long while. I thought to myself, What the fuck, man?! The really should illegalize Flu attacks.

The thought made me laugh because, they'd never do that kind of thing for us.

Mice

As I sit herein front of this laptop, with the mouse in my hand, I noticed something odd. The cursor moved as if controlled by a mysterious force. I was flabbergasted.

Then I searched online to see what flabbergasted means.

'Ohhh...!', I said.

The Waiter

The waiter went up to me and said, 'Okay! Okay! I'll taste the soup. Wheres the spoon?'

From which I said, 'Ahaa..!'

Flickr, bitch!

Finally I updated my Flickr page with imagery of naughty people with no clothes on! I joke. Checkit: flickr.com/qiddas

Whut are dis shetz...? I dontch no.

Here are the rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

Wet tables+wet elbows=WTF!!!
I hate wet tables. I hate it when moisture gets on my elbow(s) when I am at said table. Pisses me off.

I hate clowns. And non-action figure dolls. Yes, Ikin. ESPECIALLY Blythe. * shudder *
'Nuff said.

I may never buy a car because...
Jams are teh suck!1! Bikes are teh pwnage jamz for 200gold. ROTFL @ CARSKTHNXBAI.

Blogging is a waste of time.
'Struth. I think I'll write about this somewhere on my internet diary.

Photography.
I shall join this already saturated line of work once I get my camera. Goodbye Advertising. And thanks for all the fish.

I'm Cheap and Spendthrifty.
To a certain degree. It's a paradox, I know. My situation has been known to baffle accountants, financial consultants, my mum AND my wallet.

I hate hip hop.
Word.

The seven people I'm tagging are:

Lady Noe
Yaya Heska
Rkaru
Wombat
Dila Singapore
Farouk. Oh wait, he's destroyed his blog.
Mae May

Thats it. Sorry wombat. You has been tagged again. You and Rkaru. My pool of blogger buds is small. I'd tag Chuck Norris , but Chuck Norris doesnt blog. How does one blog when everything always ends with death and destruction? "Went to the shop to buy milk today. They were out of milk. Roundhouse kicked everything in the face until there was. Bought Chupa Chups. They didnt have Cherry flavor...."

I've been tagged. Kecoh ah, ikin.

Okay. I've been tagged by Ikin. Whatever the fuck that means. Why 'tagged'? I dont know. Must be an internet thing or something. Crazy internet people.

Well, here goes.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?
Hash with his stupid 'these 2 dvd's have melted to each other' antics. Long story.

2. What were you doing at 0800?
Napping. Until 3pm in the evening. It was awesome.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Sewing. Haha. I joke. Who the fuck sews anyway? Dont they have robots for that kinda thing nowadays? IT ARE TEH 21st CENTURY! WE HAVE DA TECHMOLOGI! Okay, maybe not sewing robots. Thats just dumb. Maybe Elves.

But seriously, I was taking a piss on the toilet. Ah, the pause that refreshes...

4. What happened to you in 2006?
I lost my NIKON D70's in '06, if I'm not mistaken.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud
"Kelegaan yang abadi." Said after draining the lizard.

6. How many beverages did you have today?
Bir akar A&W & Teh o ais.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
Real men dont use hairbrushes. We use blades. Thats right. Blades. Sharp blades. Teaches the scalp self defense. Why do you think they call it 'scalpels' ? Realize.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
RM1.20 for the teh o ais.

9. Where were you last night?
Someplace far and high. =}

10. What color is your front door?
No doors at my house. Because real men dont use doors. I use windows. Tall windows. Made from wood. That have knobs on the sides. That has a button on it to activate / deactivate the Anti-Rotating Knob mechanism. Just in case some salesman barges in and tries to talk me into joining some MLM program or some shit like that. Sneaky buggers, themOkayfine! Grey! It's a grey door, dammit!

11. Where do you keep your change?
Sure as hell not in your pocket, you nosy sommabitch!

12. What’s the weather like today?
Warm. Typical Malaysian weather. Go figure.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Shanon Elizabeth.

14. What excites you?
Shanon Elizabeth. In a Princess Leia outfit. Without the buns on the sides of the head. When she was a captive of Jabba the Hutt. Instead of Jabba the Hut holding her captive, it's Betty and Veronica.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
Not yet. Not yet.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
Im 27. Peh, dah tua, siak. If I was in the 1940's or 50's, I'd prolly have, like, 2 grandchildren right now. That, or 3 wives.

17. Do you talk a lot?
No. But I tend to exaggerrate things that have been spoken by others.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
Is that like, porn with eels, a Cambridge dictionary and 2 Swedish school girls...?

No?

No.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
Steven Segal. Oh yea, me and and him used to hang out and kill them Kommie bastards back in the War. Yeah. Once, me and him were chillin with these fine Mexican mami's when suddenly, this one kommie bastard suddenly ran out of the bushes. Steven Segal kicked him so hard in the nads, his ears burst into flames. And then Steven Segal cooly says to him, 'Hey, your ears just burst into flames.' And then everyone laughed. That Steven Segal is one funny guy.

20. Do you make up your own words?
Just for the record, I invented the word 'Kibab'. Which means, 'stolen'.

21. Are you a jealous person?
Nope. Because jealousy leads to the dark side. Why do you think Darth Vader became what he became? Because he was jealous of Yoda's long ears, thats why! When I say ears, I meant penis.

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
Adi Kurus.

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’
Klum, Heidi. Oh yeah, she's my friend. We're very friendly. In my head.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
Steven Segal.

25. What does the last text message you received say?
'Haha, aku kat bowling ni'.

26. Do you chew on your straw?
No.

27. Do you have curly hair?
Yes. What? On my head? No.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Beirut. Okay, the bedroom.

29.Who’s the rudest person in your life?
I can think of no one.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Kacang dari nasi lemak yang tidak dimakan oleh Faisal. Hek eleh, tak makan kacang pasal takut jerawat konon. Boleh blah aa, Faisal. Ngkau tu lelaki!

31. Will you get married in the future?
Hell yeah!

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
The Stringer starring Johnny Knoxville. Crazy funny shit.

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
Yes.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Eeeww... if you're implying that i had nasty... 'relations', with a plate, 2 cups and a bowl, you're grossly mistaken, sir! Oh...! DID the dishes. As in.. basuh pinggan? Eheh. Cakapahawalawalmanaakupahambahasaomputihnikekadang..eheh...2 hari lepas.

35. Are you currently depressed?
Ask me another 38 fucking questions like this and we'll see...

36. Did you cry today?
No. A wise man once said 'I cried when I lost my shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.' But then, I says, 'Why cry when you've lost your donkey when you can laugh at a man who has no ass!'

37. Why did you answer and post this?
Because people in Japan know Take Won Dong, and Dong Fu, and Deja Fu, and OkiDoki, and the dark martial arts of WemBem ThenkYuMam. I choose life. Hence the post.

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey
1- Farok
2- Rkaru
3- Wombat
4- Noor
5- Chuck Norris

You dont have to if you dont want to. I most sincerely could care less. heh heh.

You know what pisses me off...?

First off, I'd just like to make it clear that, yes, I'm a biker. No, I'm not talking about bicycles with either two wheels or five or with bells on the bars that go 'ching ching'. I'm talking about bikes with real engines on 'em. But what really nibbles my armpits are those bikes that emit sounds of a whooshing mini jet engines whenever the brakes are pressed.

I mean, seriously: What.The.Fuck?!

Lets not limit it to bikes. Cars as well. Now what kind of idiot would want to fix-up that ear piercing, anger enducing thing on their vehicles??? Seriously, if busses and lorries start using 'em, I WILL move to another country. Really. Thats right. Countries with no roads. Or streets. Where the only mode of transportation consists of you running around (with your feet.), dodging lions and bears and Mexicans and the number 3. (I dont like the number 3. Because it's odd. Geddit? Geddit? No? Fuck you.)

But seriously. Those things piss me off. It's just plain ridiculous. Sure it makes people around you feel as if they're next to a fighter jet but come on, wake up! You've got a fuckin' kapcai between your legs that your dad prolly havent even finished paying for and an add-on like that is just gonna make people wanna see if the bike really flies.

Off a bridge.

With you tied to the back.

Okay, jetboy. Lets see you eject out of this one. Heh.

Next: Mullets. And people with their Collars Up.

I oso wanna do this thing too also.

1. Was 2007 a good year for you?
To tell you the truth, I dont really remember. But I guess it ought to be a good one. Nobody tried to kill me. Nobody invited me to some dumbass MLM scheme. I didnt get slapped in the face by a trout. And no taugeh at all for 2007. Okay, I think it was an awesome year.

2. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Lessee... Germany/Switzerland trip. Also, every moment that I got to go back home at 6 ON THE DOT from work!

3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Not being able to go back home at 6 ON THE DOT from work!

4. What are your plans for 2008?
Build up my portofolio, get a Nikon D200, establish a name in photography, try to get my hands on SAP so I can be a consultant later down the road, get married. Go to Germany again.

5. What countries did you visit?
Segamat, Kluang, Singapore, Germany, Switzerland, Holiday Plaza, Kota Damansara.

6. What date in 2007 will remain etched in your memory?
'Etched in my memory?' Wtf bahasa berbunga ni. Cakap je la 'that you remember most'. tau ah english power. kemak.

I dunno. I generally check dates when I wanna confirm holidays. Fuck.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Sure as hell aint graduation. hehe. But seriously, my packaging design went public. Heh.

8. What was your biggest failure?
Something's in life you just dont post on blogs. These things that I do not post in my blogs, are my biggest failures.

9. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
I stubbed my toe on a table leg once. I got so angry, I kicked it. Great move, Einstein.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
A processor chip for my olde ass computer. Now I can play DOTA at home. For free! No more stupid cyber cafes. But still, no internet connection at home.... * sad *

11. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Nobodies. People can act the way they want, for all I care. As long as they keep their fingers out of my mushroom soup, I'm good.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Gas money, food and lodging, utilities, comics, savings for a new camera.

13. What did you get really really really excited about?
Nothing much that I can remember.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2007?
Bicycle by Queen. Reminds me of the sad day of a rushed job at the office.

15. Compared to this time last year are you:
a) Fatter or thinner? It's been a good year for eating. So, no change, i think.
b) Happier or sadder? Just, happy. no 'er'.
c) Richer or poorer? Heh. Richer. 'Nuff said. I'm so rich, I'm thinking of fixing up my shower. Instead of water, there'd be liquid gold. Cant get any richer than liquid gold coming out of your shower head, thats what I say. Of course, I'd prolly explode in a ball of flame... hmm.. needs a bit o' thinking, this. Maybe gold toilet water...

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Hmm. Hard question to answer. To not miss Subuh. To watch more movies. To play more games. To actually FINISH said games. To go back at 6pm. On the Dot. From work. To do things that I want to do but had forgotten to do it when I had the chance.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stupid awkward jokes.

18. How will you be spending Christmas?
Dunno. Dont celebrate X'mas.

19. Which LJ/MySpace users did you meet for the first time?
WTF's LJ, bitch?! Myspace: none.

20. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No. But I'm feeling lucky for 2008.

21. How many one night stands?
I prefer the term, One Night Sit down. Because that's what I usually do when I stay back at Works place. Ah Work, my jealous mistress.

22. What was your favourite TV show?
Family guy. My name is earl. Melodi. pfffbbt!! fuck the last one. melodi, my ass.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is relative and subjective. But I'm going to say... yes.

24. What was/were the best books you read?
Terry Pratchett's 'Going Postal'.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
French music. What?! Why do you laugh?!

26. What did you want and get?
Health. Murah rezeki. This may sound soppy, but I have seen. People keep whining about the things they dont have but forget about the things that they already have. And how not losing whatever they have is, in actuality, a blessing. Of course, almost nothing is definite in life...

27. What did you want and not get?
Nothing. I'm pretty content as it is.

28. What was your favourite film this year?
Damn. I'd forgotten.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
Cant remember. 27th.

30. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
A month long cycling trip in Germany. (Germany lagi! Weh, layan dohhhh!!!)

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
T shirts and loafers and jeans. I think it'd be 'I can afford better clothes, but I'm comfy as I am, thank you very much.'

32. What kept you sane?
Me. Of course, if there was another question like this, only on the flipside, I'd say, Me, as well.

33. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
Shanon Elizabeth. And Zaiton Sameon. And maybe Ramlah Ram. Pfffbbbttt!!! HAHA! I crack me up sometimes. The first one. definitely.

34. Which political issue stirred you the most?
The segregation of black meat and white meat at Kenny Rogers. Thats a bit raciamalist, innit? No more KR's for me. From now on, its (free)Subways all the way (nudge nudge Kusa!) Choo Choo! O' course, I hadnt had a Subway since 1999.

35. Who did you miss?
Nobody.

36. Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
I dont think so nor do I really care...

37. Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
I dont remember NOR do I really care anymore...

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
'Fuckit' is not an answer to everything.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year..
Lalala, hari hari kerja,
Lalalala, bosan dengan kerja, haha!
Lalalala, kerja... kerja...

Meet Uncle Husein. Forgot the title.

Odd conversations #344345

Adi
haha

Qiddas
er, what was it that i said?

Adi
kau nak blanja aku makan tiap tiap hari

Qiddas
lepas tu aku lari

Adi
lepas membayar takpe

Qiddas
tetapi aku hanya pergi mengambil napkin

Adi
kalau amik napkin amikkan untuk aku satu

Qiddas
padahal adi tak tau yang sebenarnye akuamik napkin... kat opis...

Adi
padahal sebenarnye saddiq lupe diye dah bayar nak cabut buat ape

Qiddas
tapi yang dia bayar tu sebenarnye semalam punye hutang makan kat makcik

Adi
tapi disebabkan saddiq makan situ hari hari adi mengatakan kepada makcik itu yang pada keesokan harinya saddiq akan membayar makanan pada hari ini

Qiddas
tapi makcik dah lupa dan saddiq pula tidak mengingatkan beliau. so, kesimpulannya, adi kena basuh pinggan sebab tak bayar makan, kalau tak brader mullet akan panggil gang belasah adi sampai demam.

Adi
tapi adi telah memberi nombor telfon saddiq dan juga tempat saddiq bekerja supaya makcik menaruh perasaan percaya kepada adi dan mengatakan jikalau saddiq tak bayar saddiq la yang jahat

Qiddas
tiba tiba makcik bertanye kepada adi, "awak ni dah bayar ke belom? bile nak bayar? kami bukan welfare. semua sekali 4.50. takkan itu pon nak suruh si saddiq bayar kot? kau tu dah besar." adi hanya mampu mengangguk sambil meleleh air mata beliau dan membayar apa yang perlu dibayar. the end.

Adi
preview untuk episod seterusnya........... saddiq datang makan ke kedai makcik dan tetiba makcik mengenakan bayaran kepada saddiq dengan harga yang lebih daripada biase. Setelah menghitung dengan jarinya, saddiq telah membuat kesimpulan bahawa diye terpaksa membayar 4.50 lebih kerana itulah yang telah dihutang olehnya untuk makanan adi kerana adi telah dapat juga mengconvincekan makcik yang saddiq akan bayar. the real end.

Qiddas
tetapi ending tersebut itu tidak diterima oleh executive2 di astro kerana terlalu bodoh dan juga tidak masuk akal. maka syarikat perfileman di arah utk merakam semula babak tersebut dengan menggantikannya dengan babak yang berikut: saddiq membayar jumlah harga yang perlu dibayar, termasuk adi punya sekali. eh, sama la ngan kau punye ending!

Adi
tapi aku punya ending lebih dramatik.

Qiddas
takpe. kau menang. kerana kau memang suka menang, walaupon enemy dalam DOTA nyawa tinggal 5, kau masih akan gunakan dagon*. Walaupon aku ada chan bunuh dia hanya dengan menjentik telinganya. (*Dagon: A lesser scepter that has been duplicated time and time again. Gives +20 Intelligence, +9 damage, +3 to all stats, and a 800 damage Energy Burst. -Qiddas)

Adi
tapi seingat aku kau pun buat benda yang sama gak

Qiddas
tapi time nyawa enemy tinggal 6. ngkau 5. sapa lagi keji?

Adi
kau.
sebab kau lagi tua

Qiddas
sbb tu aku beralah.
lepas tu.

Adi
threeeeeee!!!!!!!

Qiddas
wak lu

Adi
wak lu balik

It are the insane week dam dam dam laserzzssspewpewpew!!

Im tired. Really. Advertising is all what they say that it is and also, all what they say it isnt. These past couple of weeks have been kinda/sorta stressful for. The jobs that came in were like crazy tribes of angry... tribespeople that run around attacking innocent graphic designers for crazy-ass jobs (i actually refrained from typing in 'shitty jobs') with a deadline of last fuckin' Tuesday. I mean, really. What the fuck is up with that, man?! Everyone's clamoring like crazy for their shit this and that; its just so fuckin' overwhelming sometimes. I sometimes barely even have time to take a nice quite dump and reflect on the current political climate of Nairobi. I mean, thats some deep shit right there, literally AND metaphorically but do they care? Noooooo.

Jerks. I bet they dont even know where Nairobi is. I think its because they dont like Mexicans. Those racist jerks.

It's Sunday now. I had to work Saturday to rush for a deadline which falls on a Monday. I came in for work at the crack of 10am only to arrive at an empty office. Or rather, the locked gates (of hell) of the company and seeing as that no one was around and I didnt have the keys, I hung out at local mamak for some roti canai and teh tarik. Work started at around 11-ish when everyone came.

Work was insane. If ever there was a competition for Sitting In Front of A Computer and Making Other People Rich, I'd prolly win, like, 34th place or something.

Finaly we wrapped up at 5am the next day. Noor, our resident newbie (she just joined) had car trouble just as everyone was leaving. Poor bastard. Apparently her car batteries conked out and she couldnt start the damn thing. The boss called AAM to help out with the fixing. All it took was a pair of crocodile clips, a car battery and common sense to not accidentally electrocute yourself while fixing up the clamps on the batts. Finally at 6, we were off on our own. Had some breakfast over at some kedai mamak and later got home and slept like I have never slept before.

My Sunday was also spent figuring out the configurations for my sisters damn wifi connection. What do I look like?! Bill Gates?! Wait.. thats prolly a bad comparison. I mean, if I was Bill Gates, I'd be knee deep in cash and loose women that wouldnt know the difference between a USB port and a clothes hanger.

But I digress.

All in all, my weekend was pretty much screwed up. Im sorry, Nairobi. Como estas, senor.

p.s: but I am thankful the company's decided to get this:

OH.. right.. i fergot.

Um, Happy New Year?!