So no cake for you on my wedding. You'd be like, 'Can I have some cake?' Then I'd be like, 'No way!'



Then I'd laugh. But I'd give you cake anyway, because I'm that sort of guy. But as you sit down to eat cake, you realize its not cake, but an Enya's greatest hits cd. 



Thats right. Feel the pain.

This a post from my Mac widget. It are teh awesomes. K?

They were the best the friends. Inseparable. They went to school together, played in the playground with friends, went fishing at the nearby pond, talked about girls. Everything. But sometimes, growing up got in the way. That, and ambition.

One was destined to be a Ninja. The other, a Pirate.

As the years passed, they grew distant. Until at one point, they just left each other.They never called or wrote. Be that as it may, they became legends in their own right.

One kicked ass, shredded sweet riffs on his totally awesome guitar, flipped out and killed people all the time, slayed dragons and other otherwordly creatures, destroyed a fleet of planet-destroying aliens, dated hot sizzling ninja babes, while other had a fleet of pirate vessels, dozens of swashbuckling crews, a battery of deadly canons, whenches swooning at his feet, treasure and riches beyond count and bounty on his head worth gazijibilions, and a light sabre-

'A what?'

'A light sabre.'

'How the fuck would a pirate get his hands on a flippin' light saber???'

'How the FUCK does a ninja, a LONE ninja, destroy a fleet of PLANET-DESTROYING aliens?! A whole fucking fleet! They've got like, technology that could melt your weak-ass sword an' shit! Not to mention your dumb ninja ass.'

'Not if I used a light saber.'

'Motherfu- YOU JUST SAID I COULDNT HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SABRE!'

'Well, yeah. That because you're a pirate and I'm a ninja. Ninjas are totally sweet. Plus, we are teh rock, brader. And we can have any weapon we want.'

'Fuck you. I'm a pirate that has a light sabre and thats final, whore!'

'Cant.'

'Why the fuck not?'

'I just stole your light sabre...'

'You sir, are a butt-hole. Im going home.'

'-and your wench too!!!'

'Thats okay. She was your mom. kthnxbai.'

I was watching the Discovery Channel yesterday. It was a documentary on the indigenous tribes and culture and civilisations of past. It really was an eye-opener and I have come to the conclusion that no matter how backward or modern, violent or peace-loving, First world or Third; they all have one belief that will forever survive all wars, all human persecution, time and all of mother natures wrath: He (or she) who smelt it, dealt it.

You know what would be funny? You cover up your face, run in a bank with a realistic looking toy gun, wave it around and say funny things like 'Put all the money in the bank!' or 'Shut up or I'll shoot you in the face!' and then just stop, laugh, take off your mask and exclaim loudly, 'JUST KIDDING!' and then take a number. Sometimes people need comedy thats out of the blue.

When I was a kid, I went to the Hollywood studios. Me and my cuz got to see the car from the Knightrider series, KITT. My mom told me there was an actual person in the car, doing the voice. And we actually believed her.

Kids can be so stupid sometimes. When I say that, I actually mean my cousin.

Why do zombies have to have a craving for flesh right after they've re-animated? Why can't they come back with a craving for slightly less gory things- like gardening? Or badminton.

Some things in life we will never know.

So there I was, standing there in the middle of the road, wearing a tuxedo, a top hat, with flowers in my right hand and a box of cheap chocolates in my left. The chocolates were bought in a second hand store that sold old clothes. The lady behind the counter told me it wasn't for sale and said something about it beings hers, but I knew she was lying. I paid her the 50 cents, took the box and walked out of the store just as her big burly husband with a big burly moustache came from behind the back room with a big burly baseball bat. As I walked down the road, the big burly man stood in front of the store shouting profanities in my direction.

I stopped and pondered, should I go back and get my change of 20 cents?

Charity, I shrugged to myself and walked on.

The flowers, on the other hand, were a different story.

Time and time again, I see people touching wet paint with their fingers, to see whether or not the paint is wet. But as I look at them I too cant help but wonder to myself- Where are my pants?

I think one of the suckiest jobs in the world is to be an elevator. Because people always push your buttons.

He ran and he ran and he ran, but he never got tired. He thought it was extremely weird until he remembered he had no lungs. Or a cardiovascular system. Undead Skeletons are forgetful that way.

When a woman says, "Someday, I'm going to rule the world!", never EVER say "But you're just a GIRL!" Because one day, when she actually does manage to rule the world, guess whats her first order of business? Thats right. A nuclear bombing of your hometown. The best way to handle the situation is to say, "But then, you wont be able to go shopping, cook for the family, do the laundry, wash the car, send the kids to school, clean the house, take the kids to soccer practice, make dinner, make lunch, make breakfast, wash the dirty linen, change the diapers and all the other awesome stuff that you like to do." Then she'd get embarassed and say, 'You're right dear, as always.'

The world is safe yet again.

The action figure was angry. Who wouldn't? All they did was treat him like he was some sort of toy. I'll show them, he said. One day, when my fairygodmother comes, I'll wish to be a real action hero, then I'd blast them away with my laser-gun...

"But your laser-gun is just an LED light," said Buffo the clown doll.

This is why everyone hates clowns.

Flu

I had the flu the other day. It was one of the biggest most baddest flu attacks I've had in a long while. I thought to myself, What the fuck, man?! The really should illegalize Flu attacks.

The thought made me laugh because, they'd never do that kind of thing for us.

Mice

As I sit herein front of this laptop, with the mouse in my hand, I noticed something odd. The cursor moved as if controlled by a mysterious force. I was flabbergasted.

Then I searched online to see what flabbergasted means.

'Ohhh...!', I said.

The Waiter

The waiter went up to me and said, 'Okay! Okay! I'll taste the soup. Wheres the spoon?'

From which I said, 'Ahaa..!'